Tracy McCubbin, who has been decluttering for two decades and lives by the motto “Don’t put it down, put it away,” last year married a man she describes as “very messy.” man.
Both admitted their unlikely pairing was a “cosmic joke”. When the two first moved in together, Ms. McCubbin put blue painter’s tape on every drawer and cabinet in the kitchen and provided a map showing where items went. But she’s also learned to practice what she preaches to her clients and remain calm about disruptions that don’t affect her day-to-day operations. Like his nightstand, which was buried beneath books, charging cables, and the TV remote she was pretty sure she no longer had.
Or her husband, an avid gardener, often leaves a pile of tools in the yard. “It’s everywhere,” sighed Ms. McCubbin. “But you know what? We have a beautiful garden. Our fruit trees bear fruit. It’s really about understanding: This part doesn’t matter.”
Ms. McCubbin and other organizational and psychology experts say there are some practical strategies that can help rats and janitors live together in relative harmony.
Improve your organizational systems.
“Often when someone is disorganized, the underlying argument is that they are wrong, they are doing things the wrong way, they are bad,” Ms. McCubbin said. But in many cases, home clutter is simply a sign that you don’t have reliable systems in place.
Some of the solutions she offers clients are almost too obvious, she said. For example, she’s worked with frustrated parents whose children had left backpacks and coats on what she calls a “landing strip” just inside the front door. It helps to hang some hooks that they can easily reach.
Ms. McCubbin also recommends adding enough shelves for books for avid readers. (“The bottom line is they have to be on the shelf. They can’t be stacked on the floor.”) At home, she puts a plate by the front door so her husband doesn’t “lose his food.” Spend 10 or 15 minutes a day” looking for his wallet and keys.
“It’s always important to explain that these systems are set up to help,” she said, “not because ‘you’re wrong.'”
Focus on functionality.
The most important thing, Ms McCubbin said, was to consider the real impact of clutter.
“The goal of organizing is to make your family work for you,” she said. “It’s not about rainbow bookshelves or making things look perfect, it’s about controlling clutter so you can cook in the kitchen and actually use the garage.”
Ms. McCubbin advises her clients to put most of their efforts into public spaces. For example, she and her husband both love to cook, so the kitchen has to work well for both of them, she said. But he had an office and a bathroom that she rarely set foot in so she didn’t have to see the mess. (Many people don’t have that much space, she admits.)
Focusing on functionality is especially helpful for parents who don’t want to compete with their children for a messy bedroom. Antonia Colins, who runs the website Balance Through Simplicity, has two teenage daughters, one of whom struggles with neatness. So Ms. Collins laid down ground rules, she said. For example, she insists that the floors are tidy and the desks are clean enough for studying. (She also wants her daughters to put their dirty laundry next to the washing machine and return any dishes or glasses to the kitchen.) But if the bed isn’t perfectly made, or there’s a pile of clean laundry, she’ll look the other way. Clothes in the corner.
Consider the deeper issue.
Sometimes clutter accumulates because someone is unwilling to put in the effort to clean and organize. Other times, it’s because, explains Michael A. Tompkins, a psychologist and co-author of “Digging: Helping Your Loved Ones Manage Clutter, Hoarding, and Compulsive Acquisition” They have mental or physical disabilities.
Perhaps the most obvious example is hoarding, but there are other links between mental health and clutter. For example, people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or other executive function problems often struggle with too much clutter. Patience and understanding go a long way in situations like this, he said.
Physical limitations may also be a factor. “I’m 73 years old, so I can speak to this personally,” Dr. Tompkins said. “My ability to maintain my living environment declines as my physical abilities decline, not because I remain uninterested in keeping my living environment clean and organized.”
He says it’s important to note any sudden or drastic changes in a person’s home cleanliness (or if they seem to be accumulating unhealthy things) and report them to their primary care doctor because they may indicate an underlying health problem. .
If a person is simply unwilling to compromise on clutter, that can also be cause for concern. There may be more fundamental relationship issues at play.
“It’s not just about socks,” says Kiaundra Jackson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “It really has to do with poor communication skills, other needs or gender roles – or something deeper.”
If one person in the family is particularly strict about clutter, it may be more about control than cleanliness, she said, which is something he or she may need to work on in individual therapy. Ms. Jackson says couples therapy or simply working with an organizer can also help you better understand whether you’re at an impasse.
Be strategic when talking about it.
While external support can help, learning new communication strategies is sometimes enough to defuse conflicts, Ms. Jackson said. Don’t talk about clutter when anyone is hungry or tired, she said. Also beware of nagging, which she views as repeating the same things in the same way over and over again.
“Try different avenues, try different tones, try different times of day,” Ms. Jackson urges, like writing an email at the end of a long work week rather than fighting over the chaos.
Be careful about expressing your expectations and revisit them frequently, Ms. Jackson said, because regular check-ins can prevent resentment from growing. She declined to provide a specific time frame for these conversations because timing differs for each family, but she encouraged anyone entering a new season of life (such as after having a baby or changing jobs) to talk about family expectations.
“Even if there’s just a change in preference,” she said, “it needs to be called out.”
